I Couldn't Even Close My Gi. It Was an A6.
By Kristopher Lozeau
I couldn’t even close my gi. It was an A6. I asked about an A7 and I was met with a chuckle. “Keep training” I was told. “It’ll fit.”
At almost 400lbs I was out of breath and sweaty almost immediately into the warm up. I was easily the largest and most out of shape person there. The gym was a huge warehouse. Everyone knew each other. As we ran, I was lapped over and over and over. I wished I was invisible. I just didn’t want to quit. I had seen UFC 1 year earlier and in the back of my mind, after years and years of Karate, I knew it was something I wanted to do. I really wanted to pull it off.
Where I started Jiu-jitsu, the warm ups were quite a big tougher than other schools. I didn’t realize until I took classes at other gyms. There were around a half hour of jogging and sprints. While we were jogging we’d stop every 30 seconds or so to do jump squats, burpees, pushups and ab work. I had shin splints by my second class. After we were done that phase of the warm-up, our blackbelt dropped cargo nets and ropes from the ceiling and we had to climb those. With my size there was no way I was pulling that off, even if I wasn’t exhausted, so I jogged until they were finished. By the time we started drilling technique I was soaked through and wiped out. I felt bad for my training partners.
Rolling was embarrassing. I was getting clowned by people a third my weight, they just flew around me and got to my back in seconds. It was even worse when they were closer to my size. For months it was like this. I could usually only train once a week and I spent the rest of the week whining and lazy, packed in ice and tiger balm. I just didn’t want to be the guy that quit. I sure could have been.
I trained there six months. The school went through some severe drama including legal stuff and half the school jumped ship. I went with them. It was the right decision. Our new school was run by two wrestlers that were BJJ purple belts. They were lifelong athletes and strong wrestlers with athletic accolades. That school made me tough. That’s what I got more than anything. I got more coordinated and the pounds really started to melt off. Eventually I hit a wall. I had never gained much proficiency when it came technique, plenty of others had, but their formula didn’t seem to be the right one for me. The personalities of most of the school grew a little too different from my own and I didn’t really fit in philosophy-wise. I got hurt a lot and really wasn’t getting anything other than able to withstand pain.
I started looking for a place to train that fit me better. I didn’t find any. I ended up needing to go through a surgery. I had lost so much weight that I needed to have excess skin removed. Pretty gross, but it was less gross than the alternative. I was out for a few months and decided to try a new school started by someone from my original school that had also left when the rest of us did.
This school is a much better fit and I’ve been there since. Goldilocks syndrome I guess. The instructor was a soon to be brown belt. His instruction is very precise. We spend a lot of time breaking down a technique and working the same position with variations all week, sometimes longer. The stuff started to stick, I started figuring out and stringing things together. Things have been clicking. I never liked competing much but I might give it another go. I’m not world champion material, but I’m starting to at least get better. On my best days I like to think I’m at least average, on my worst I’m quite below. I’m ok with that. I’m better than I was.
All and all I’m about 150 pounds lighter than I was 4 years ago. I don’t hurt all the time (just most of the time) and for short stints I can train 5 or 6 times a week. I don’t feel like I’m going to die after every roll and I feel like I’m developing a few things I’m pretty decent at. I’m incredibly grateful for what Jiu-jitsu has done for me. I’m happier. I’m healthier. My doctor says all my numbers are better than most people my age. I’m happier, I’m healthier, my ego is healthier, I’m more understanding. This makes me better husband, and recently a better father. Jiu-jitsu shows that at any moment I can be succeeding or failing, due largely to my actions but often due to things out of my own control. It's always impermanent. Within the same roll I can die many times, I can be the conqueror many times. Knowing neither lasts keeps me willing to take risks and to stay humble.
Jiu-jitsu hasn’t given me gold medals, but it doesn’t need to. I just hope someday I’m good enough to start giving back and give others what was given to me. It’s the least I can do.
Keep training.
Kristopher “Danger” Lozeau is a middle school teacher in central New England. He trains at a New England United Affiliate in Bedford NH under Head instructor and Blackbelt, Greg West.
